Frustration

This word is one I don't think people can know the meaning of until they have had children for whom they care. My example for today is my eldest: RE-PEAT-ED-LY I have told the children to stay out of a certain drawer in the kitchen, one that holds various small tools, batteries and other miscellaneous knick-knacks. Unfortunately the gravitational pull of this drawer for little people must be like that of the sun, as both of my children are constantly getting their hands in there when the parental guard is down.

My eldest came to me one morning saying "Daddy can you fix this?" I looked down and saw my retracting tape measure. Despite my rushed attempts (while trying to get people out the door) I couldn't fix it and - though I'm not proud of it - I let out my frustration and certainly gave my child a dressing down! Once I had cooled off in the car driving to work I thought through sensibly and knew my frustration was not with the broken implement (it might have cost $5 when I bought it, and my wife - who had some more patience than me - was able to get it working again) but of course was with my child and the lack of obedience shown.

In these moments I try to think back on times where I did similar as a child and my own Dad's reactions. Sometimes I can't think of anything (such a perfect child, haha!!) but for this incident I could think of 2 specific examples, one dealt with as I did above and another with a firm but gentler tone.

The first - similar to my own reaction here - involved a basketball ring in our back yard. As tweens my brothers and I were very keen on being able to jump up and slam dunk on a ring and our "brilliant" idea on this occasion was to put our trampoline under the ring to facilitate this. Multiple rounds of "dunking" went by until yours truly got a little over exuberant, held on longer than he should, and the steel ring ripped right out of the less than robust backboard. Dad, who wasn't far around the corner saw the destruction and unleashed a verbal tirade, picking up the ring and hurling it into the ground. Like me, he had to walk away and cool off.

The second example also had a sporting theme. As kids we had a modest sized back yard; good for little kids running around (the grandchildren do this now), but a bit small for bigger kids kicking a football etc. On this day one of my brothers and I were playing backyard cricket and - though my father had RE-PEAT-ED-LY told me not to - we decided it would be more realistic to play with a proper cricket ball instead of the softer, bouncier option we had also been given. Needless to say, a well/poorly played pull shot - by yours truly again - did not go straight back to my younger brother, but through the dining room window with enough noise that the neighbour over the back fence sprinted over to make sure no-one was breaking in! This time Dad was not home, but expected back within an hour or so. Mum was unimpressed, and I knew I was in trouble. The intervening time took an eternity; my anxiety torturing me until Dad finally got home. At this age I had developed a bit of maturity and so instead of waiting for him to find me I went straight to him, told him what I had done and apologised... Dad clearly wasn't impressed with my efforts (and having to call someone out to fix the window) but here he took a much less emotional approach. I can't remember what he actually said to me, and I felt chastened but also loved.

A couple of differences between the two scenarios:

1. Dad was on the scene vs detached. The distance and time from the event does change the emotion we experience. The flashes of anger are usually a knee-jerk reflex and some time and space can certainly diffuse the initial reaction.

2. My reaction. Dad's emotion may have been tempered by space and time initially, but seeing I had beaten myself up might have triggered some mercy. Even more powerfully though having your child own their mistake and take the initiative in apologizing/remedying the issue I hope gave Dad pride here - I know these times are when I'm the most proud of my children.

Take-aways: If you're on the scene in the parent/supervisor role and you can't check your emotions, then and there take a walk, breathe, and think through the response you give prior to doling out discipline. This will serve as a more measured immediate approach as well as demonstrating to your child/subordinate how they can best approach similar situations when they are in this role. If you are in the role of the person who has made the mistake (child, employee etc) - owning the problem and honesty gains more respect (and often less punishment).

"The just man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him." Prov 20 v 7

P.S. : hope I didn't throw you under the bus on this one Dad!!